Suicide
Gaye in a happier time
Where does the story begin? A question I have asked many times over the years since it happened. We loved her and were very disappointed that she chose this way out. It is hard to face the fact that we may never know why. It is hard for me to write the story so I decided to let her note help out.
"It has been two years today that I tried to kill myself and I regret almost every day of my life since. It is a shame, that I have never experienced Love in my life. I have given love and friendship to many who have given me nothing but sorrow in return. I cannot stand the pain anymore. This time I will not try to die, this time I will succeed."
So began the note that I found taped to the sliding glass door of Gaye's apartment one morning when I returned from clam digging. She was a pretty 27 year old mother, she should have had her life in front of her not behind her. She sent her son to school with some clothes and a note authorizing him to take the bus to his grandmother's house after school. Jamie was 7 years old.
The note continued, "It is a sad thing that I did not succeed at dying when I was a success at living. But now that I am a failure at living I know I will be a success at dying.
"It is 12:27 am and I cannot sleep. It's no wonder, I slept practically all day. If all goes according to plan, I should be dead in approximately eight and a half hours."
An empty bottle of phenobarbital was found in her apartment. After this discovery we learned that an unused bottle of phenobarbital was missing from our own medicine cabinet. Gaye had been to our house the previous evening doing her laundry. We did not suspect a thing, although she was very quiet.
She had overdosed on valium 2 years earlier and had telephoned me to come and pick up Jamie. She was living in Sacramento. As she explained why she wanted me to come down, I cut the phone call short and called the Sacramento police. After all, I was 900 miles away and helpless and if there was a problem I wanted them to check it out as soon as possible. She was indeed in trouble, and taken to the hospital to have her stomach pumped. I flew down to bring Jamie back and after her recuperation Gaye, too came home.
"Please God, forgive me, I cannot stand any more pain and I am too old to start over. I have no more patience. Isn't it funny how I tried so hard to do all the right things in life and success came and I still wasn't happy cuz I was lonely. You, and Mom gave me a second chance and I totally blew it. Now I am a complete failure ( I prayed I wouldn't have to be the one to do this, but if you are not going to, I will.)"
Can you imagine feeling old at 27?? She felt lonely and unloved. Gaye had young friends that would gather at her place and do booze and drugs. Gaye's loneliness allowed her to be led down that path with them just to have the company. When she was alone, she felt really alone and the alcohol and drugs affected the way she felt and even exaggerated it. To her it was real. Far from the truth but to her depression was overwhelming.
"Please have Jamie taken care of. Anybody can do a better job that I have the past year or so. Remember what a loving family we once used to be? Now it is shattered. Help him to gain that kind of love again.
"We all need LOVE. I don't think that I know how to love. I thought that I gave love to people but I guess I didn't because I didn't get any back, only heartbreak. Why is that? I know you don't give just so you can get, but it would've been nice to have shared my life and love with a partner. Oh well, too late now."
Gaye had a lot of relationships looking for the right one. It kept eluding her. She had talked of suicide to her friends. No one thought she meant it. Even after the Sacramento experience we, too, were reluctant to accept it. After all, nothing is worth killing yourself over, is it?? We did love her!
"Please put more love in this life and eliminate the pain. I am so sorry that I am not strong enough to play the game. But I don't like the rules. I've played and lost anyway. What do you say?"
She took the pills and left her home. We looked for her. The Police looked for her. She was not found. How serious was she? This question haunted us. What did we do? What could we have done? We had appeals in the newspaper but there was no response. She never came back.
It took a long time for us to realize there was nothing that we had done. Gaye was an individual when she was home, we had no control over the decisions that she made. She was almost 10 years away from home. Independent , but wanting to share her 'love'. Many factors brought her to this point. As parents we had done the best we could at the time.
This story ended 6 months later. On a lonely road in a new development outside of town, a skull was found. The dog had brought it home. The mystery was ended, the mourning began. The police were called, and the rest of the body(or what was left of it) was found. The remnants of the life of the young mother was identified from dental x-rays and a few strands of hair. Life for us changed drastically will never be quite the same.
Please come back and visit again!